It's easy to lose the plot. I can see now. I can totally see it. Bottled emotions of things you can't solve, questions you are afraid to ask cause god knows where the answers might lead you. Rage. Seething rage. Anger at everything around you because who hate yourself. I can see now, how easy it is to go down roads which head to a dead end.
Right wing. Ultra right wing can be very appealing. Nationalism. Communalism. Saffron. Green. Anything shit. There is a silent comfort in blowing someone's head off because you're too damn pussy to blow your own. There seems a strange kind of hope in getting on a plane and blow and crash into something. I don't give a fuck about ideology, I couldn't care less about god, I don't intend to take a piss in paradise but it is soothing. It is soothing because it gives an escape out of the squalor around. It gives something to hold on to. Something to believe in so strongly that you can focus and drain yourself into that. Slowly it can cover up the miserable existence. And that's what it is all about isn't it?
It is like when the word 'fuck' feels like a warm blanket. You like saying it million times. Or whatever the word is for you. It is nice to say it in your head, out loud, to unsuspecting person next to you on the train, to the young mother struggling to comfort her little baby, to your friends, to the ones you love, to the ones who love you. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!
2 comments:
I hear you so well. I can relate to this frustration, to this fruitless effort to find meaning, be it internal and external. And ending up with this disppointment of how little the world and people in it have to offer. Sometimes, I feel like I am nothing but a nihilist.. believing in nothinglessness, that exists in the world.. that exists in every being in this planet.. so meaningless.. I have no words.. It's almost like Shiva's dance.. puppets in someone's hand.. with this idea of illusionary free will. The question I ask myself is what the FUCK am I suppose to do with this so-called free will. I have no answer.. none at all. It takes the last fiber of my being.. to say it out loud... DON'T LET THE WORLD WIN!
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