Delusions of a romantic loser

I don’t know what I’m writing about really. But if you can understand a strange fear, which sometimes grips you, that if you do not record something at that very moment, then you might never be cured of an inexplicable pain, then I’m sure you’ll understand the rambling that is to follow, no matter how incohesive.

Today, I feel I hate everyone in this world, every single one of you, without exception and without apology. It is an unabashed disgust at mankind. If there was a provision in our legal constitution that permits each of us one murder in our lifetime, I’m sure to have used up my quota today. But then, I guess we all go thru such phases, don’t we? Then I wonder how many of us would really give up such a constitutional right? Anyways now that’s a different issue altogether, one that concerns society as a whole, but right now honestly, I couldn’t care less about society.

Today is one of those moments when I feel god must be a fucking genius to have created someone like me. I can’t help but marvel at my form and being. At this very moment, I also feel something unspeakably grotesque in me, but even that only seems to make me more beautiful. This moment now, there can’t be a living creature, more enchanting than me. I love myself. I’m basking in my own afterglow that is at once both divine and evil. And I love myself. I am supreme. I am invincible. I am…sad.

Then it hits you, when suddenly the image echoing your form inside the mirror turns a shadow. I feel it now and you will too, that how in some ways this overwhelming urge to love yourself, is because you’re unable to love someone else, the way they love you. This unspeakable need to wrap your arms around you and hug you is because you can’t let go without a care in the world, and melt in someone else’s arms. So I choose to walk away, far away, into my private world. A world, holed inside a cozy little apartment, sealed away from reality with curtains drawn and doors bolted two times over. But while I busy weaving my pathetic little fantasies, and later in a more pitiable manner playing them out, the world passed by my door without even suspecting my existence.

I dreamt I was preparing myself, conditioning my mind and training my reflexes for a war, which I would later realize, never existed and never will. Then when I came out onto the streets, ready to protect someone, ready to whisk someone away to safety, I found no one really needed me like that. All of them, all of YOU have let me down once again. But if you think I’d lie down and die, then take this…I DECLARE WAR! ON YOU, YOU AND YOU!!

I am invincible.
I am supreme.
I am sad.